My Conflict Rituals

This assignment made me feel stupid; it made me realize that some of my “conflict rituals” are rather ridiculous. The rituals that stood out to me most were the ones that surface when I am interacting with my parents during a conflict. However, one ritual that I have that I use with just about everyone is that I walk away or ignore the situation because I don’t want to deal with it, or I skirt around the issue or try to “soften” the issue by using relative language.

My mom and I have some very pronounced conflict rituals and a set way of dealing with each other when there is a problem. It’s far from a perfect way of dealing with each other, but, it’s how we do things. The subject that is most commonly a trigger between my mom and me is my appearance. I think that normally when people hear that a mother and daughter are arguing about the daughter’s appearance they usually think the mother is upset because the daughter is wearing too much makeup or too into extreme fashions… well, that’s not the case with me and my mom. Our conflicts are more about my mom wanting me to wear more makeup and jewelry, update my clothes more often, and get my hair styled more frequently. One subject that recently triggered a conflict between us was that my mom in a very kind voice said to me: “You look so pretty when you wear jewelry. Why won’t you dress up more?” She said this to me because I was not wearing any jewelry at the time. This topic has been an issue between the two of us for a long time, so whenever she says anything about it I get upset.

When my mom made the comment that she made, I had a choice. I could simply agree with her by saying “Ya, I need to wear more jewelry” and the issue wouldn’t have gone any further, or I could go with the “usual” conflict ritual that I normally used in a situation like this. I chose to deal with it the same way I usually do. I came back at her with “So, you think I am ugly right now? Am I only pretty if I am wearing jewelry?” That’s usually how the ritual starts. My mom then makes a comment like, “no, you know that’s not what I am saying.” To which I respond “well, that’s what it sounds like to me.” Unfortunately, neither one of us really accomplish much while we are talking. We go back and forth until one of us decides that we don’t want to talk anymore, and we quit. In this instance we went back and forth at each other until my mom said “You just don’t wear enough jewelry, and you should wear more.” And I responded with something that I do not remotely believe but that I knew would end the conversation: “Well, I think you wear too much jewelry. We are both entitled to our own opinions. I will wear as much or as little jewelry as I want.” …I have some communication issues to work on with my mom, I know. That usually ends the conversation and we give each other some space. The seriousness of the issue determines how much space and time my mom and I need, but neither my mom nor I are very good at staying upset at each other for very long, so we are usually talking to each other again after about an hour, as if nothing happened. It confuses my dad.

My mom and I do have good conflict rituals too though. For example, another conflict trigger is that I frequently get side tract when I am doing my laundry and forget to switch loads. It drives my mom crazy, but our “ritual” in dealing with that problem is effective. My mom will kindly say something like, “Did you remember that you had laundry in the washer? I can switch it for you if you want.” She knows that the way she says something to me greatly affects how I will react to her. So, when she is kind and asks me if she can help me, rather than telling me that I need to get my act together, it makes me want to respond kindly to her. I thank her for reminding me, and then I make sure to keep a better eye on my laundry.

After taking some time to really think about my conflict rituals, I am going to make more of an effort to work on creating better rituals for myself. The negative rituals with my mom could be greatly improved if I would not get so defensive and if I would try to calmly express myself rather than feeling like I need to respond with curt and snippy remarks. Focusing on good clear and thoughtful communication would prevent our conflicts from becoming overly emotional or insensitive.